The Secret Teacher by Anon

Author:Anon
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781783351282
Publisher: Guardian Faber Publishing
Published: 2017-05-05T16:00:00+00:00

’Luminati – or ‘The Illuminati’ – is a Theory of Everything invoked by every crackpot and lunatic on the internet and therefore is received wisdom for the kids. I have sat through presentations from classes in every year group on this very topic, and they all swear down that ’Luminati are, for good or ill, the governing cosmology.

‘OK,’ I said, preparing to engage with the madness. ‘Imagine I’m from the Planet Zog. What, pray, are “’Luminati”?’

‘All right, Sir, but if you are from Planet Zog, then chances are you have met ’Luminati,’ said Liam, tapping his forehead.

‘We’re off to a flying start.’

‘So, the ’Luminati, yeah, are actually these massive worms, yeah, from space, yeah, who wear human-being overcoats. And what they do, yeah, is come down and then start running tings.’

‘I see. Sounds scary.’

‘True say. It is dat. So, like, everyone in power, yeah’ – he registered my look of scorn – ‘or like most people in power, are ’Luminati. They are all in the triangle.’

He made the triangle with his hands. I made the triangle with my hands. Everyone went ‘Oooooooh!!!!’

‘Like the one on the dollar bill?’ I enquired.

‘Zackly. The All-Seeing Eye in the pyramid! Yeah. Dat’s ’Luminati. ’Luminati run every fing. Banks. Hollywood. 9/11.’

I told him this was sounding anti-Semitic, but was shouted down as others joined in with their nominations: David Cameron, Jay Z, Prince Philip, Tony Blair, Justin Bieber. I admitted that it was, in fact, a fairly broad church.

‘Just look at this school!’ Liam said, pointing out of the window.

‘Triangles everywhere! The playground! The chimneys! The logos! The All-Seeing Eye is everywhere. They see every fing you do.’

Hmm. Maybe he’s onto something.

‘So let me get this straight,’ I said. ‘You think the world is run by lizards?’

‘True say. It’s a ’spiracy.’

‘Innit! ’Spiracy!’

‘Well, Liam, I would like to welcome you to our august institution.’

‘So, you gonna let me go Oxford now?’

‘No!’

‘Please! Lemme go Oxford.’

‘I’ll let you go as soon as you learn to use the definite article.’

The bell went.

‘I’ll see you later for English.’

‘Bye, Sir.’

‘Bye, Liam.’

‘Safe, Sir.’

‘Formal language, please.’

‘Yeah, safe.’

‘And take that earring out before the Head of Sixth Form sees it.’

‘Yeah, whatevs.’

‘Au revoir, les enfants.’

*

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